Sexually Charged Thought forms
After several years of furiously masturbating, jacking off, having sexual fantasies with gods, goddesses, spirits and demons this was the night " he " was born. He was born of lust, drugs, merging of energies that weren't meant to merge. Many nights of phone sex, porn and adderall were taking it's toll on me. Lying in bed feeling the extraordinary sensations of an excessive amount of dopamine being released from my brain, he came into being, he materialized. To this day he sets on my altar in full display, completely transformed from something very nasty, to something amazing and incredible. I had created my very first thought form without even knowing it.
It all started when I had broken my wrist. I had been pulling an all nigher, once again, higher than hell on Adderall. I stood in the shower and let the hot water hit my body, giving me orgasms that lasted for hours upon hours. Anybody that has taken Adderall with these adverse effects will know what I am speaking of. The water continued to trickle down my body, it felt so good so I'd rub and massage myself for as long as I could. I'd get off, cum, bust my nut everywhere. All of a sudden I felt pretty dizzy, standing there I started to tremble. My body felt like an earthquake had decided to settle within me. My eyes started to flutter back and forth. Before I knew it I was headed down on to the shower floor. Luckily my right hand caught my body and twisted itself in a " Linda Blair " fashion.
Pulling myself out of the shower at 5 AM, everybody was at work or asleep I crawled out of the shower and dried off. I was terrified to tell anybody that I had been up all night, in fear they'd kill me. Not literally! I quickly dressed myself, stood up and got another dizzy spell. I felt myself falling into the earth. I woke up abut two minutes later and I had taken the cement toilet paper holder out, with my head, as well as cracking the marble tile flooring. I must have went down pretty fast, I don't remember a thing. I didn't even really have any bumps or bruises from the actual fall outside of the shower, aside from a broken wrist.
I forced myself to eat as much as I could. I knew I had to get sustenance in my body, protein, energy. I needed a lot of GOOD things in my body. It was a terrible feeling of being half in this world and half in some other strange dimension. This wasn't even a dimension, this is what I would consider a " Hellacious Universe ". The things that you see and hear, the voices you hear, the hallucinations are all too much for me anymore. It's not something that's fun, nor is it healthy. So, I do not advise you go out and try to release your dopamine in large amounts. It only ends in the depletion of this VERY important chemical in your brain. There are NATURAL and safe ways to feel these Spiritual Sensations and have these visitations without the use of substances..
Each night I'd lay in bed and I'd being to imagine this almost " Slenderman " image or " The Top Hat Man " image, crawling all over the sides of my house. My headboard faces the North and this is where " he " would primarily crawl around. I could literally see and hear him. The scratching of his nails on the outside of my house, seeing his face peeking into my window. It was all too terrifying. I was intrigued though, being very fearless on this substance, I had to delve further and find out what it was! I had spoken to a few people about what I had been experiencing while using this vice. They all reported that it was all due to lack of sleep, sleep deprivation, not enough food, dehydration, etc.. I knew in my gut that this was the problem but what I was seeing and sensing told me something else. This wasn't something that was a part of the drug use. It was something I had created out of my own use of the drug and overly sexual stimulation. The people I had been associating with, the rituals I had been doing, the different demons I was evoking was all done correctly and might I add TOO GOOD. When I took those small pills it was like the Astral World opened itself up to me. I could see things nobody saw. I could have these incredible visitations and other-worldly sensations and feelings. I had no idea I had created a being of it's own. It took on a life of it's own, feeding off of my fears, my usage of the pills, using the Ouija while on these, it all added up and made sense. I made a thought form! I was so excited when I read about this I had to tell so many people about what I did!
I got the most common and stereotypical responses from just about everyone, except for my Best Girl Friend. She has always listened with an open heart and mind, always knowing how serious I am with my workings, she knew something wasn't right tho. I think if it weren't for her I wouldn't be alive today. YOU know exactly who you are too! Lady, I love you with all my heart! I had told her everything I've ever done. She knows the deepest, darkest, filthiest things that go through my mind. She's one I can confide in, trust in and know that what we converse about stays just between the two of us. That sort of a friendship is divine. Simply divine. She is a gods-send.
After the sleepless nights, the crazy 10 hour masturbation sessions, having a boyfriend that loved me on Adderall because I was willing to do anything on it. I started to really research the effects of Adderall and the dangers. What I had found was incredibly fucking scary! I had no idea that this small pill, that kept me up, gave me energy, made me think I was spiritually progressing, it was simply Meth in pill form! So, that being taken into consideration and after my past usage of that particular vice I decided enough was enough. I cleaned my shit up, I stopped the adderall, I stopped the pain pills. I was in pure HELL. The pain of the withdrawals were so intense I was sick for months. The withdrawals became less and less when I was prescribed Tramadol for my broken wrist.
The Tramadol almost did the same thing as the Adderall did. It gave me inspiration, it made me feel spiritual, it gave me the energy that I needed to continue my studying of thought forms and so many different paths. That one tiny pill had me reading about 2 Novels per day. No human I think is SUPPOSED to be able to read 1-2 novels or grimoires in one day. I soaked up every bit of information I could. From Luciferiansim to Satanism, The Goetia, Chaos magick. I soaked up so much in such a short period of time, I had lost all memory of what I had read. Slowly, to this day it's still popping out of my subconscious mind.
My studies continued while on this very addictive pain pill. I had gotten clean from Adderall, lost quite a few friends doing so but it's always for the best. The shedding of the skin, like that of the snake, embracing renewal and rebirth. I needed it and I needed it badly at that time. Something in my life had to change, the pills had to go, my wrist had to heal on it's own. I saved just enough of the pain killers to last me. I started to have someone monitor my usage of the pill. Virgos can have a very addictive personality. Now being almost clean of the pills I could stay high for a full 24 hours on just one Tramadol. This made me happy. This gave me even more of an " oomph " to proceed into the shadow-self, the darker dimensions. What I found was frightening and enlightening.
I had started using the Lesser Key of Solomon to bind Demons and Spirits into vessels to work for me. Low and behold, they worked! I was amazed, I felt POWERFUL, I felt like I was a " god ". In fact, I was not a god, I was a pill head. I continued with these studies from early morning until the late night hours. For about three months this continued. I began using the Ouija while on these pills. I even KNEW better than to do so. I take my mediumship and Ouija communications very seriously and my actual SELF would never use the board, or participate in any type of magickal workings while on these. It still seemed as if I was being enlightened. I convinced myself it was ok to use the board and do magickal work while in that state of mind. What a mistake that was!
One night around midnight I was up smoking a bowl and had taken a few extra pain pills so I could stay up and " bind " this " thing " I've created into a vessel. I worked the Lesser Key Of Solomon and followed the rituals precisely. I had my triangle of art, my black mirror and a bottle ready to capture this thing I created. I dressed accordingly, dimming all my lights, lighting very few candles, off in the back of my altar, so I could properly " see " the being I had created when I had him in the triangle of art. I performed all the necessary acts, ritual acts, I sat there and waited. Nothing was happening and I didn't know why. I was getting pretty pissed off. All of a sudden I see this VERY SMALL gnome like creature floating around inside the triangle of art. It was him! Alright, I thought to myself... " I have him now... he's right there, now to get him into the bottle ". I was dammed and determined to get that thing in that bottle and seal it.
I had placed his signature items inside the bottle, his sigil, his things he liked. Learning all this through mental telepathy and via the Ouija. To this day I cannot confirm weather or not what I had done was real or just a hallucination. I saw this thought form I had created go straight into the small bottle with his items placed inside. I quickly caped the bottle, performed the binding of shadows and BAM he was in there and he's still in there.
The after effects of the thought form lingered for quite a while. All the residual and sexual energy still lingering a bit. I had to cleanse my house quite a few times until I felt that the place was clean of the left overs. After many, many attempts I finally got rid of the left over energies lingering around. I don't know how I did it but I did it. I got completely clean of all the pain pills, all the different vices and things turned for the better. I started to see the beauty in life once again. The cleaner I got the better I felt, my true spiritual nature was coming out. This was one giant stepping stone / learning lesson for me. From that point on I haven't touched those pills. I left all those nasty vices behind me and a whole new world opened up to me.
My nasty, sexually charged and created thought form, is now a very loving and gentle Servitor that sets on my altar. His name is Elphatram. I continue to let him feed off of my astral body to keep his strength, to keep him alive and serving me. I don't see him as a servitor really, I see him more of a friend that I've kept, held on to. He was along for the entire ride with me, why not keep him? I do continue to communicate with him via the Ouija. He often times comes through just to say " Hi " or " I'd like some pine needles ". He had hid in my slew of pine trees for so long. He found his home outside so in return I brought some of his home into my own. We both live together in harmony. He serves me well and it's a fabulous relationship.
I never knew how open you can become once you've taken some sort of " drug " and then proceeded with spiritual work and the insane masturbation. I often now just skim through articles regarding the use of hallucinogens and other controlled substances in conjunction with opening doors. Or DMT for " visiting other realms ", Yohimbee Bark is crazy stuff. I wouldn't mess with any sort of substance now, I literally cannot. I do turn into Linda Blair and it's not pretty. There is such a brighter side to the Ouija and Spirituality. There's a much deeper and even MORE profound feeling of being whole, within yourself, sober.
Taking everything that's gone wrong, the drugs, drinking, using the board with these things, I can transmute that into something even more amazing. It really is an Alchemical Process. You mine yourself like coal.... and you find your inner diamond. Synchronicity? Exposing those " demons " and transforming them to serve you, instead of continuing the live it and let it feed off of you, is going to be your own choice. I transformed mine.
I couldn't be happier in my spiritual Journey and spiritual undertakings. I feel I've helped a person or two along the way, with my stories at that! That's humbling to say the least. Embrace the dark, transform it, watch the beauty unfold in all you see. That is my account on spiritual practices and controlled substances. Combining the two together, for me is not a good thing. I Love the natural high from being spiritual, it's much more satisfying.
